I had a day off and a lot of cleaning to do. It was one of those things I preordained the night before; no matter what, I was doing that cleaning. I prayed for heavy rains so that there would be no temptation at all to saddle my bike. Well, it was fricken unbelievably sunny outside. I walked down seven flights of stairs convincing myself that a trip to the store and back would suffice … but once I saw my bike, I walked back up the seven flights to grab a banana, granola bar, and camera which would be needed on a trip much longer than just to the store and back. I came back down and flew outside on two wheels. Crap, I need sunglasses. Back up and down, and then off.
Seriously, people (me included) often waste so much time not doing what they really want and feeling bad about it, but with this small decision I tackled that gargantuan quandary and was just doing it. I started to feel bad like I should be doing the other things that seem as though they will more greatly affect my future for the better … and then I found quite possibly my greatest demon …
Wasting time. When I get confused, or unhappy, or any negative emotion … it’s root is usually gripping tight into the poisonous soil, rank in dark stagnant places with the fear of wasting time. I’m not sure why I feel that way, how “good” or “bad” it is, or exactly how to extricate this fear from my life … but I know that it is the biggest waste of time to worry about worrying about wasting time. I’m huge about abstract analogies and metaphors, which is probably why I love reading about esoteric religions and philosophies, but I’ve found a great one lately somewhere in my mind.
The fear pulls me up on strings just like a puppet. The tension constricts my shoulders forcing me to hunch pulling my center of gravity up, and my eyes are fixed forward in a stare that sees absolutley nothing. My mind is pure fear, completely consumed by it. And all I have to do … is cut the strings. Cut those strings and let that fear rocket into the sky, to hell, wherever, who cares. Instantly I relax, resting my weight down and shooting my spine straight up. The tension sinks from my face, neck, and shoulders and I take deep breaths. Cut the strings of your fear.
So I did, and ended up finding some cool castle ruins with no castle almost right in the middle of the city.
I’ve never heard about this before, and imagine most people in Toyama haven’t either. Doesn’t surprise me though, because there’s nothing there really. It’s just the grounds for where an old castle used to be. But when you look at it, the size is impressive. If you can imagine a castle there, it would probably be the same size or bigger than the “real” Toyama Castle that stands now in the middle of the city.
Knowing this drastically changed my perspective on Toyama, and thus my life. I guess that’s why I was a history major in college. But few know, and less care. “What a waste of time” someone might say. Well, I got back in time to do a thorough cleaning anyway, so there.
Only problem is, I can’t find my air conditioner remote (which acts as my only heating system in my apartment at the moment.) This is a huge problem because there is no manual remote on it, it’s too old to get a generic replacement at an electronics store, and no one is going to pay for it to be replaced if it’s not broken. But look! It’s as good as broken if you can’t use it right?
Fear. I don’t fear the cold. But you know what I do fear? Toyama summertime coming along and me being without air conditioning … literally hell on earth. Not even Japan in summer, just a Japanese apartment. Like little ovens they are.