I Don’t Know


I have no idea why I do the things that I do.

Kyudo. Japanese. Iaido. Live in Japan. Enjoy the things I do.

Why instead of pursuing monetary gain or fame or more practical skills do I do the things I do.

On a perfect day off I’m lost in the woods or on top of a mountain.


I can think of reasons, but in the end, when I don’t do the things I want to do it eats away at the inside of my stomach. Like a legion in my brain it consumes all in the black thought that I’m not doing what I want.

A part of me wants to do it.

A part of me feels like it has to do it.

Like a sticky living pieces of thread wound together, I don’t know which is which.

It is only in the moment of no-thought, that I know I am right in the world.

But that action which propels me into no thought is fate decided. It is a step in the world which I cannot take back.

Perhaps that is courage, to take that step regardless of myriad fears, those purple clouds.

I want more and more of that time inside. I want to take those steps, but the outside world comes in eating away. Taxes, applications, messages, bills, TVs, toys, drugs, people …

I sit now and look at all of this. I’ve been here enough to know I can’t separate the two. It is taking that step how I want to, in this world I didn’t choose. Half and half, the ultimate compromise. I can do that.

Then again, I never chose this situation. I can’t decide to have or not have the sky or these cities, they live on without me. I am a noble guest here. It’s half me and half everything else. Blurring those lines is becoming the undescribable art.

I don’t know why I do the things I do. That thought doesn’t change much either.

I guess we’ll just see how it goes.

Funny thing is, I’m sitting next to my wife as I wrote this and she asked what I was writing about.

“I’m writing about why I want to practice budo.”

Isn’t it because it gives you satisfaction?”

So simple! Such a simple answer. Because it makes me happy.

“But why when I could be out making more money and getting things done do I go and shoot bows and arrows at the dojo?”

Then go make more money!”


One thought on “I Don’t Know

  1. When you're gone, how much money you earned or didn't earn wont make a difference, but the lives you interacted with and the people you inspired will. When times are hard money can help, but it can't replace peace and strength.

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